Josh had told me a few weeks back that he didn't like looking at old videos of her anymore and I didn't understand why. I could watch them just fine...until now. Now I know why he can't. Just the other day I was watching a Hailey video with her and I couldn't stop crying. She used to talk and now she can't. Josh and I talked about if it would have been easier to have her be how she is now all along. I don't think I would have like that though. I love my video of her telling me she loved me right before we got to Salt Lake in September before she stopped talking. I can't watch it but I am glad I have it.
I guess it's true when they say the grass is always greener. What hurts less? You never having heard your child talk, or having heard her child be able to talk and then having it STOP.? I try everyday to work with her to speak again. I mainly work on her saying mom, or yes and no. When she tries really hard that is when the spasms start and we stop and she rests. The main way we communicate with her now is by asking yes or no questions. She moves her head so slightly yes or no when you ask her a question. I know how hard it is for her to try and speak but I can't bring myself to completely have her stop trying. She still laughs and smiles and it's mind boggling to think that someone can still laugh and smile having gone through what she has and is, but I am grateful she does. It's also funny she tries to be "naughty" just so we laugh at her. She will be laying next to me and try to grab the tabs off her diaper to try to take it off. If I make a big deal out of it she keeps doing it over and over. It's actually great OT with her using her hands...LOL!
So even though I miss her talking to me terribly, I am glad she once did. The silence really gets to me, and will probably drive me insane one day. I am glad I have all the videos of her even though they are SO hard to watch. I am starting to forget how she once was, what her voice sounded like. What sound her laugh made, because now it's so hard for her to do so. I am super glad I can hear her tell me she loves me on the videos even if she can't do it right now.